Struggle (what's new? ;-))

Today i was very, very restless. And frustrated. My muse was roaring inside of me, she wants to be free. I have kept her too long in her cage, waiting. I tried different keys to open the cage, but i couldn't manage. Some keys were lost, others rusted or broken. In the beginning my muse was quiet, she understood and was hoping for better times. I played with her creating drawings and she was pleased with the pretty and sweet places where she could wander. If you take a good look you also can find the dark corners where she sometimes wanna hide and feel safe. But she still felt caged. And that made me sad, today i cried a view times, just like that, without a clear reason. My muse grabbed me by the hand, delegating the restlesness and tension. The tension grew and almost became unbearable. So i took a canvas and my brushes and started to paint. Very cautious in the beginning. But she was whispering, and the whispers became stronger, transformed in a clear voice: "Stop the crap, let go! Let go! Don't be a tart, i don't wanna be pretty and sweet. Not this time! I wanna be rough and alive." She was guiding me to happiness and i could let go, feeling more and more secure and i used bigger brushes to avoid unnessesary details. I couldn't stop painting and she broke loose, free at last. And i was in love again with her, feeling so happy. And now she's looking at me from the canvas, so strong, but i begin to doubt again. I think every painter know this progress. I still am in love but i see her flaws. At this point i have to take some distance and let her grow. But i'll complete her world this week, because i cannot walk away from her. Not any longer. It will be a struggle, but it's worth every tear and drop of blood.

The painting is not yet finished and the quality of the photograph lousy, the colours are deeper and more intense for real, but i couldn't wait to share this process with you. In a few days, when finished i will upload a good photograph.

TASTE

Black birds * The movie ;-)

I just discovered a video editing program and it's such fun. Because it's difficult to see all the details on my large drawings i upload, i thought it would be fun to film all the details of the drawing. But the quality isn't that good, some bits are over-exposed. And i find out that i dón't have to film one big shot, but can do tiny parts and put that together haha. But still, i love this first try out and i hope i can transmit to you the atmosphere i had in mind. I promiss you: the next round i make a little movie it will be of a better quality.

I also did the soundscape (music). A soundscape is just like a collage but in stead of cutting and glueing images i do it with sounds and music. Sounds of the television or radio and i used the 9th symphony from Beethoven for the underlaying basic looping sound. I hope you enjoy it! Don't forget to stop my How do u dream jukebox. ;-)

Black birds; i don't need no pain * i cannot get no sleep * is it all as it seems? Don't you see? I've got a sun in me * Monsters don't have hearts ♥ Sure they have ♥ It's the blaze across my nightgown * Insomnia! It's in my head! Let me unfold your thoughts * You are the blood flowing from my fingers * You are ♥

Dream about hope......

Every angel, demon, human, animal or flower i draw

Some years ago, as i was selling my drawings on an artmarket, there was this man who shyly said to me: "Perhaps i'm silly and i sure don't understand art, i'm just a greengrocer, but i like your work and it seems to me that all of your work is a selfportrait." I smiled at him and said that he hit the nail on the head because he was right. I think that every angel, demon, human, animal or flower i draw or paint also is a selfportrait. But isn't that the case with all art and their artists? You always put something from yourself in it. I gave the greengrocer a drawing for free, i'm not a good businesswoman. ;-)

In the drawing 'Black birds' where a woman is placed in the center of it, that's for sure a selfportrait. But all the other creatures on it as well, they are the sorrow, pain, hope and/or love i've felt and feel so deeply in my life. And now some drawings and photographs for you to compare.

Ha! Don't be afraid. The photograph was taken some years ago on a weird party where you had to dress up. Later on i used this image as the center of my black birds drawing.

This photograph was taken two weeks ago by my eldest son. I always think that i'm not photogenic, but this one i like, 'cause i look relaxed and happy. As you can see, my right eye is smaller than the left one. This has to do with the muscle disease i have since three years and when tired or after a lot of exertion my muscles (some) weaken and the right eye is a visible aspect of this. I call it my pathetic or sad eye. I often draw humans or gods with eyes in different sizes, i really don't know why, it has nothing to do with my disease. I did that already before the disease. I think it's fun to see the simularity between photo and drawings.

Dream with one eye open and one eye closed. ;-)

To protect you

Work in progress, not yet finished. Drawing on SCHELDE wood-pulp free smooth cardboard, 250 grs. 65 x 77.5 cm

There is a new upload on my blog The secrets of death.
I wish everybody a great weekend!

The not so innocent fool

What can i say? I love to draw a world into a world into.... Another old one. And 'Black birds' is finished, i just have to find a way to get it good on my computer. :-)

Black birds

Ink, pencils & ballpoint on paper. 60 x 90 cm * 35.4 x 23.6"

Oh how excited i am! My creative energy is sizzling, bubbling, floating. This drawing i started some years ago and then it had to rest. Yesterday evening i laid it in front of me and started to draw. I drawed all night long. Went to sleep at 5 o'clock. I will finish this drawing in two, three days. It's a LARGE drawing. The uploads are not so clear but i wanted to share this already with you. I will make a good photograph of it totally when finished.
Thank you all for your comments, it lifts me up. More than you can think.

Dream about new horizons, dream breathlessly.........

Seele brennt! ~*~ My soul is burning!

I love the music from Einstürzende neubauten. Sehr! The lyrics are so dark, raw, mysterious. I think Blixa Bargeld is a genius with words and performance. I had the luck to see them perform in their early years and it was mindblowing. So the painting is all about Blixa Bargeld.

Seele brennt!

Ich bin die umstürzlerische Liebe
der Gegensex
Jeder Tag kostet mich Wunden
dabei bin ich schon jetzt
zerschunden und völlig blutverschmiert

Du fängst im Taxi an zu heulen
bloss weil ich sage
dass ich bei dem Konsum
in zwei Jahren tot bin
Alle Idole müssen sterben (Lachen)

meine Seele brennt
Ich versteck mich, sitz in meinem Loch
und warte auf die Träume, die mich retten (Kommen nicht)
Liebe ist ein Scheiterhaufenauf dem ich langsam aber sicher
von innen her zum Rand verbrenne

Ich hab gekostet
bin zu weit gegangen
werd den Geschmack nicht los
Vielleicht ist nur entzündet
vielleicht ist nur entzündet, was da brennt
An Stelle meiner Seele
an der Stelle meiner Seele
meine Seele brennt!

Einstürzende neubauten

Strange worlds

~ Schizophrenia~

~The flood~

Don't say i didn't warn you, lol. Two other drawings from long, long time ago. I wasn't even on art school. These drawings aren't good at all, but i now find them moving. Seventeen or so was i when i drawed these. I was a young, shy girl then, struggling with strong problems. A dreamer (i still am) dreaming of better times with less anxiety. I find it moving to see how i then drawed my beloved subjects of love, fear, hope, strange worlds etc. A little bit childish, not on my own yet, but already hit by life.

Don't worry, soon i will post also new paintings, 'cause i am painting a lot these days. Sometimes computercrashes aren't that bad at all. ;-)

Dream about love, dream breathlessly.....

Nudes

These i made on artschool, also a long time ago. You had two or three minutes to draw the model before she changed her pose. That's such fun. So you learn to let it go and leave out the unnessecary things. It'll be great to do again because sometimes i think too much as i paint and that blocks me from what i want to tell.