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The mysterious world of MONICA CROESE

15.1.12

Reinforcement * What the hell am i doing here?

Oh gosh, i wanna tell you so much but i don't know where to begin. Although i didn't post the last three months of 2011, there were some experiences relating to my art. I was a participant on the artmarket Arnhem. I had mixed feelings about it, but i wanted to do it, to see what will happen. It was my first time and other participants*artists were going to critize my art. To see if i am good enough for the market next year. I don't wanna be presumptuous, but to be honest, in my humble opinion there were only two good, original painters and one ceramist who was good. But still i was pretty nervous.
The day began early and my eldest son kept me company. Because of the huge retrenchement on art (although it doesn't hurt me personally, i don't have any allowance whatsoever) I thought it would be fun to stretch a clothesline with my little drawings hanging on it. Support your local artist, was a sign also hanging on the clothesline. I had some nice linen on the table with my larger drawings, some paintings and greetingcards, businesscards and free commercial greetingcards. Perhaps i was a bit too enthousiastic, because at the end i heard that my table was a bit too full and the clothesline wasn't appreciated for being disorganized. I agree with the table, a bit too much for sure LOL, but i chuckled about the clothesline. Hmmm some artists are taken themselves very, very serious without any humour. Don't get me wrong, i take myself also serious as an artist, very much so, but it's good to laugh about yourself also i think.  There are too many swollen headed people on this planet. People who also can laugh about themselves (like George Clooney in a coffee commercial) have my heart.
To continue the day on the art market: after two hours my son left me to go skateboarding. And now  i tell you a secret. People who know me wouldn't say it, but i am very shy around people i don't know. And there i was standing alone with a table full of my art feeling very vulnerable and lonely. It got worse every hour and i was singing a song in my head like a mantra: what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here.... (Radiohead) And i was sure my so told pretty smile was now a scary looking grin. I became introvert, couldn't react properly. Also because of the crowd visiting the market. I am aware that my art isn't comfortable, you don't hang it above the couch (easily). The daytrippers who came to look art just to make fun of it, eating French fries with lots of mayonaise, were alienating me. It shouldn't bother me, but it did.
Then there were these two men (fellow artists criticizing?) hands in pocket, not looking at me at all, acting a bit indifferent, whispering and laughing together, not looking at me at all. But one of these men came back some times, studying my large drawing Requiem over and over again, sometimes looking at me and if i looked back he quickly looked away. He took in every detail of the drawing so it seems, mumbling some words i couldn't hear. And me, feeling strange, chanting what the hell i'm doing here in my head, hadn't the courage to ask him what he think of it. Fortunately i also had some good conversations with nice people who were interested in my work. That makes such a day worthwhile.
I didn't sell anything that day ha! But  the free cards did find their way into handbags & pockets. A view days later i heard that i was allowed to be a participant again this year. But only with my drawings not my paintings. (whats wrong with my paintings? Kids loved my fertility godess, it made them laugh and me too. But parents draw them quickly away from all those tits lol)  And without the clothesline. Another ha! Guess what? I'll do it! What can i say. I am a masochist. I am a stranger, a steppenwolf. I am vulnerable.   ~SMILE~

REINFORCEMENT
Mixed media on old paper on cardboard. A4

15 comments:

Bitch said...

Very nice to read about your feelings
in this world of wolves (sometimes)!
One thing I really cannot understand.
Your art is so provocative and you are afraid to speak to the crowd?
My Steppenwolf, go for it the next time!!

Hugs
Monika

renilde said...

Dear Monica, if they had not allow you to participate next year there must have been something definitely wrong with the critics there. Your work is so intriguing and full of emotion, so yours. But we all know that the 'artworld' is as strange as the others ;) The thing with artmarkets is that it attracts not only people who are really interested but also people that didn't know what else to do that day.
If you can touch only a few in the crowd it is worthwhile i believe.
The work shown here is so full of tenderness, i love those faces, beautiful!

Monica i have send you a mail to ask for your address so i can send you some cards, haven't you got it?
love xx

nouvelles couleurs - vienna atelier said...

Monica you are simply wonderfull and so lovely too I understand you very well
your work is speaking to me about you

Two Tigers said...

Renilde is right about people who go to art markets. When Brian and I did a series of markets in Boston last year, it seemed more people were there to have a picturesque place to take their dogs for an afternoon walk than to really look at or buy art! We brought a water bowl for the dogs just to force people to stop at our table!

It is hard, even with great confidence and social skills. You can sometimes sit all day and watch people pass, giving one quick bored look at the work that cost you so much time, money, blood sweat and tears...and that hurts. But then one person will enter your inner sanctum and actually want to know who you are and what you do, and that one is worth a hundred pretentious idiots. I am glad your work is a special taste not for the "masses." I am also glad you found the courage to do this, and will do it again. It gets easier every time. Keeping a sense of humor is so important! Remember - they are being giving the privilege of viewing artwork in the presence of the artist herself, and should feel humble and grateful - you should feel proud standing among your creations! Much love to you, my dear.

Momo Luna said...

Hi dear Monika,
haha yes i am full of contradictions LOL. But while drawing and painting i am totally myself and free to do whatever i want to do. Showing my art to strangers is something else, i feel vulnerable then because what i show is parts of me, my dreams, ideas, emotions.
Another contradiction: i am shy but i performed with the band i was singing in for groups of people i don't know. I hated it and at the same time i loved it.
Dear friend, i wanna send you something as appreciation for all your support and friendship. an you mail me your adress please?
Hugs!

Momo Luna said...

Hello Renide,
such a sweet comment thank you. Yes, you're right we know indeed. And yes, talking to people who really were interested made it very worthwile and gave me some surprising experiences. :-)
I check my mail and send you an answer. Nice, because i wanna ask your adress too, because i wanna send all my dear blogfriends something too. mail is on your way within an hour..

Liefs xoxo

Momo Luna said...

Thank you dear Laura.
it makes me happy because your wonderful art speaks to me too. :-)
Hugs and kisses!

Momo Luna said...

Dear Gabriella,
yes i can remember your post, you wondering and a bit frustrated why people spend their money on things they don't need (rubbish) and dont wanna spend even a little amount for wonderful art and photographs.
I also am amazed as people love your art but expecting to get it for almost nothing, or family thinking they don't have to pay for it.
Clever to place a waterbowl for the doggies.:-)
Yes, humour is absolutely important. i'm glad i'm blessed with lots of humour. This year i try to skip the scary smile and be proud and fearless. With your support and of the other blogfriends it shouldn't be that hard.
This weekend i'll post a little package for you and Brian. Hugs and kisses!

Michele Meister said...

Your work is so beautiful and strong and full of emotion ! Really really stunning !!!

Whitney-Anne Baker said...

I'm so glad I read this . . so honest of you ( but then you always are ). So brave of you to do this and I love the idea of you singing the mantra over in your head - exactly what I would do! Actually the clothesline sound like a really cool idea. Keep on keeping on Monica!

Momo Luna said...

Hello Michele.
nice meeting you here. And thank you for your kind comment. I really appreciate it!
Sweet greetz for you.

Momo Luna said...

Hi dear Whitney,
yes, sometimes i doubt: shall i post this on the www? But on my blog i only tell my naked emotions concerning my art. And i have such wonderful loyal blogfriends, how could i not be honest?
Ha, great to know you recognize singing mantra's in your head. To be honest, i can imagine you do also at times. :-) Maybe all people do that sometimes when feeling vulnerable or restless.
Yes i thought the clothesline was fun and a good idea, but i understand what the organizer meant. Less is more and not placing all at once on the table but just a view drawings is more attractive i think. I dont know.... LOL
Sweet greetz dear friend.
xoxo

Dan Gliubizzi said...

I really enjoyed reading this as I just experienced a similar event where my audience loved the drawings and NOT the paintings.

Momo Luna said...

Hi Dan,
it's good aand helpful to read the experiences of feloow artists isn't it? I know my drawings are better than my paintings, but that's because i haven't paint for a long time. I have to grow in it again. But my paintings are from the same source as my drawings. I wonder why the emotions come so strong thru my drawings and just a bit of not thru my paintings. But i keep going, i keep painting and in the end all will be well.

Tnx for your comment, sweet greetz to you....

Karen said...

So enjoyed reading this post Monica :-)