L'Héautontimorouménos * The self-tormentor

In my early twenties, as i started to read the flowers of evil (Les fleurs du mal) of Charles Baudelaire, i became a big fan of him. I was (and am) attracted by the dark beauty of his words which bring emotions as fear, pain, lust, hope, melancholy, loneliness and despair. His words comfort me; i am not the only one struggling with these dark, lonely emotions. His words inspire me also and they linger in my heart and work.

My most favourite poem is L'Héautontimorouménos. Especially because of the last words:

Je suis de mon coeur le vampire,
— Un de ces grands abandonnés
Au rire éternel condamnés
Et qui ne peuvent plus sourire!

I'm the vampire of my own heart
— One of those utter derelicts
Condemned to eternal laughter,
But who can no longer smile!

How beautiful is that? In all its darkness and sadness.
You can find the poem (and some translations in english) here.

Inspired by this intense poem i painted in 1988 a large painting referring to The self-tormentor.

The photographs are not good because of the flashlight. And in real the colors are more rich and vivid and intense. But i want to show them anyway. Soon i'll try to make better pics.

Acrylics on canvas * Height 150 cm * Width 200 cm

L'Héautontimorouménos

The ignorant

The addict

The cry

Lust

And for now i'm back to my garden again because of the heat indoors. I don't like heat. I'll pay you all a visit soon, when it's cooler in tha house.

I hope your dreams are full of hope. Keep smiling.

Seele brennt! ~*~ My soul is burning!

I love the music from Einstürzende neubauten. Sehr! The lyrics are so dark, raw, mysterious. I think Blixa Bargeld is a genius with words and performance. I had the luck to see them perform in their early years and it was mindblowing. So the painting is all about Blixa Bargeld.

Seele brennt!

Ich bin die umstürzlerische Liebe
der Gegensex
Jeder Tag kostet mich Wunden
dabei bin ich schon jetzt
zerschunden und völlig blutverschmiert

Du fängst im Taxi an zu heulen
bloss weil ich sage
dass ich bei dem Konsum
in zwei Jahren tot bin
Alle Idole müssen sterben (Lachen)

meine Seele brennt
Ich versteck mich, sitz in meinem Loch
und warte auf die Träume, die mich retten (Kommen nicht)
Liebe ist ein Scheiterhaufenauf dem ich langsam aber sicher
von innen her zum Rand verbrenne

Ich hab gekostet
bin zu weit gegangen
werd den Geschmack nicht los
Vielleicht ist nur entzündet
vielleicht ist nur entzündet, was da brennt
An Stelle meiner Seele
an der Stelle meiner Seele
meine Seele brennt!

Einstürzende neubauten

Poetical thoughts for my drawings

Innocent little town

If i withdraw
and fall silent
for a long time
where wander my thoughts?

To the home
with secret places
where i hided
but never thought safe.


Cocoon
He felt a terrible weakness
She moved in an intense way
The sky above was cloudless
Her eyes had too much too say

And where is he now?


Just forget

My breath fails me while dreaming.
Crimsonred blot my thoughts.
I try to banish
the vague shadows of a dark day
with blue skies
in a sunny eternity.

English is not my mothertongue, but i love to write in english because it makes me think better in what i want to say, what to express. If there are any HUGE grammatical faults in my writings, please let me know. I'll appreciate it. Thank you.

I proudly present

Ladies and gentlemen, i proudly present you my son, who shows you his favourite pages of my booklets. "Now i am famous, right mama?" he asked me. ;-) Sweet, isn't he? But yes, i am also proud of this 2 booklets i made with some of my best drawings (i think) from 1994 till 2008. In it also some poems and information. If you are interested, you can find them in my (new) blogshop. Soon to come more booklets, cards etc....

And for now two lovely pictures of my youngest beloved one:

Encouragement * Gluttonous desires

Her untamable soul
guided her to dark trails.
She was amazed about
her gluttonous desires.
But dreams can fail.
She'll play no longer
hide and seek.
The dreamer
brutally awakened.
And how she learned
that bleeding
accomplish growth.
That pain
allows her
to be her deepest self.

Mutilated thoughts

Soms kun je er zo naar verlangen.

Een HAPPY END.

Een lang gekoesterde wens

het wachten moe.

Elke keer weer

die m - o - e - i - z - a - m - e liefde.

Fataal beklemmend,

eindigend in pure frustratie.

De ene sigaret na de andere.

Een beschadigde huid,

verminkte gedachten.

Ik weet het niet....

Soms kun je er zó naar verlangen.

Sometimes you are craving it that much.

A HAPPY ENDING.
A cherished wish,

tired of waiting.

Again and again

this e - x - h - a - u - s - t - i - n - g love.

Fatally oppressing,

ending in pure frustration.

The one cigarette after another.

A damaged skin,

mutilated thoughts.

I don't know.....

Sometimes you are craving it thát much.

Taste

I taste the smell of death.

I hear the sound of violence.

I am dizzy, but i am not afraid.

Because i believe in love.

Don't i?

AM I BLEEDING?