Why running around in circles?

Hi there all, how are you doing?  I hope all goes well for you. It has been awhile, but life (again) was interfering big time. And when this happens, i find it difficult to communicate. I hide myself  in dreams. Avoiding the big questions, why am i here? what am i doing here? Why art, drawing, painting? Why bother? Why not? Reading La nausee by Sartre doesn't help, or maybe it does. Perhaps i am an existentialist by heart without knowing it. Maybe i am a misantropic humanist or a humane misantrophe. Probably i am both. Can you tell the difference?  I am a pleaser, i want to be loved by everyone. Please, love me. Please, hate me. No, i am not crazy. I am just questioning all. Looking at all possibilities. I don't wanna scare you.  I do not wanna..........  I am a contradiction. Am i not?

Unexpectedly it was there, crystalclear: the existence suddenly revealed itself to me.  From now on it didn't look harmless anymore. Like the safety of abstract categories. It was the stuff of which things are made, the beet of the tree was formed out of existence. The beet of the tree, the fences of the parc, the seat, the teneous grass of the lawn, all this had disappeared. The diversity of things, their own character was only an illusion, a little varnish. The varnish was gone, what was left were monstrous, weak heaps, chaotic and nude. Of a terrifying, obscene nudity.
Jean Paul Sartre  *  The atrocity  (a free, simple translation by me)

Ahhh well it isn't all dark moods, don't worry. The good news is that everything is okay with my beloved ones and myself. So i keep this in mind, again and again, to chase away the dark moods, that holds me back from enjoying all good things around me.  I feel happy looking at my love and kids, the cats, the garden, my art. And i have made a beginning of a new drawing. A wonderful challenge, because the seize of this drawing is 130 x 145 cm!  As i said a real challenge. I wonder how long it will take before the white paper is filled with my world in a world in a world...... 

DRIVING CIRCLES AROUND ME* The beginning of a large painting: 130 x 145 cm

GET READY

    

So tell me what you think about the drawing so far. Take good care of your beloved ones. Take good care of nature. And of yourself ofcourse!
When the low moon begins to beam
every night i dream a little dream.......

Ready to go

This morning my work for the upcoming exhibition is collected, they were ready to go. I am really excited, trying not to be intimidated, because many of the participants are well known artists, selling their art all over the world. One of the pieces for this exposition has to be sold for 23.000 euros. Gosh, and then there is my work:  small, intimate and leaving an intense feeling i hope. The good thing about these welknown artists is the fact that there will be visitors who wouldn't come for an exhibition with only my name. Not well known (yet). ;-)
I noticed that art has to be BIG these days, BIG seizes, overwhelming techniques. I also see this on the internet: students from art schools with art that intimidate at first sight. Wow! i think, great art, overwhelming and so very clean and strict. I mean the look of it. Clean worlds, sometimes disturbing because of the perfection. That's what i think. It overwhelms me but then.... there it is, i take a closer look, still admiring the perfection of it all. There it is, in all its glory, intimidating perfection and it doesn't move me. It doesn't reach my heart and soul. Oh yeah. it keeps me thinking also. Should i make larger drawings? Flawless drawings? Drawing larger formats is tempting me, because of the challenge. Not because it looks better in a museum (?), trying to ahhhh and oooooh people. But i am also tempted to draw even smaller drawings, as a reaction. Wouldn't it be great: large paintings, installations, drawings everywhere and then a tiny tiny drawing of me. I would hang it a bit low, so people should go down, to take a better look. That's what i dream of right now......

And ofcourse of selling my drawings for enormous prices, so i can take a visit to my overseas artist friends all over the world. ;-)  I was very very busy, but will visit you all soon. Enjoy the rest of the weekend and i wish you a wonderful week full of dreams and challenges.

The middle of the night

I am a nightowl. I love to draw and paint at night when the world is quiet and everyone else asleep. Where my thoughts and dreams can flow freely without interuption. Are you a nightowl or a morningstar?

To feel it all

I haven't been on my computer the last few days, but for a good reason. Very busy with drawing, making collages etc.... That feels so good. Ánd I finally finished my drawing 'Requiem for an innocence lost'. YEAY!
I don't know if you still can remember it, so first i show you the beginning. Than lots of photo's from the finished drawing. Why so much? To show you all details and beauty. I love it so much! I hope you do enjoy it as much as i do.
I have made an internet portfolio. I wrote on the first page about a friend painter (Caio) who described my art as violently feminine. And that i like that. But don't wanna rub it in your face. I wanna seduce you to enter my world, wander around and to feel it.
To feel it all.

Requiem for an innocence lost
From the very first beginning till the end....
Ink, pencils, pastel and watercolor on paper.
68 x 50 cm

The next one is moved, so therefor a bit blurred, but i love it a lot this way.

This drawing is giving me so much creative energy and ideas.
I wish you all a good week with lots of creative energy as well.
Sweet greetz and kisses!

Lingering desires

Then i touched your face

21 x 14 cm

A good observer knows what the butterflies are standing for in my work.... ;-)

Black birds * The movie ;-)

I just discovered a video editing program and it's such fun. Because it's difficult to see all the details on my large drawings i upload, i thought it would be fun to film all the details of the drawing. But the quality isn't that good, some bits are over-exposed. And i find out that i dón't have to film one big shot, but can do tiny parts and put that together haha. But still, i love this first try out and i hope i can transmit to you the atmosphere i had in mind. I promiss you: the next round i make a little movie it will be of a better quality.

I also did the soundscape (music). A soundscape is just like a collage but in stead of cutting and glueing images i do it with sounds and music. Sounds of the television or radio and i used the 9th symphony from Beethoven for the underlaying basic looping sound. I hope you enjoy it! Don't forget to stop my How do u dream jukebox. ;-)

Black birds; i don't need no pain * i cannot get no sleep * is it all as it seems? Don't you see? I've got a sun in me * Monsters don't have hearts ♥ Sure they have ♥ It's the blaze across my nightgown * Insomnia! It's in my head! Let me unfold your thoughts * You are the blood flowing from my fingers * You are ♥

Dream about hope......

Strange worlds

~ Schizophrenia~

~The flood~

Don't say i didn't warn you, lol. Two other drawings from long, long time ago. I wasn't even on art school. These drawings aren't good at all, but i now find them moving. Seventeen or so was i when i drawed these. I was a young, shy girl then, struggling with strong problems. A dreamer (i still am) dreaming of better times with less anxiety. I find it moving to see how i then drawed my beloved subjects of love, fear, hope, strange worlds etc. A little bit childish, not on my own yet, but already hit by life.

Don't worry, soon i will post also new paintings, 'cause i am painting a lot these days. Sometimes computercrashes aren't that bad at all. ;-)

Dream about love, dream breathlessly.....

Poetical thoughts for my drawings

Innocent little town

If i withdraw
and fall silent
for a long time
where wander my thoughts?

To the home
with secret places
where i hided
but never thought safe.


Cocoon
He felt a terrible weakness
She moved in an intense way
The sky above was cloudless
Her eyes had too much too say

And where is he now?


Just forget

My breath fails me while dreaming.
Crimsonred blot my thoughts.
I try to banish
the vague shadows of a dark day
with blue skies
in a sunny eternity.

English is not my mothertongue, but i love to write in english because it makes me think better in what i want to say, what to express. If there are any HUGE grammatical faults in my writings, please let me know. I'll appreciate it. Thank you.

Safe in her cocoon

Just forget

The pharao's dream

How do you dream?

Tell me; is it dark and lonely where you go to in your dreams?

Under the surface