Why running around in circles?

Hi there all, how are you doing?  I hope all goes well for you. It has been awhile, but life (again) was interfering big time. And when this happens, i find it difficult to communicate. I hide myself  in dreams. Avoiding the big questions, why am i here? what am i doing here? Why art, drawing, painting? Why bother? Why not? Reading La nausee by Sartre doesn't help, or maybe it does. Perhaps i am an existentialist by heart without knowing it. Maybe i am a misantropic humanist or a humane misantrophe. Probably i am both. Can you tell the difference?  I am a pleaser, i want to be loved by everyone. Please, love me. Please, hate me. No, i am not crazy. I am just questioning all. Looking at all possibilities. I don't wanna scare you.  I do not wanna..........  I am a contradiction. Am i not?

Unexpectedly it was there, crystalclear: the existence suddenly revealed itself to me.  From now on it didn't look harmless anymore. Like the safety of abstract categories. It was the stuff of which things are made, the beet of the tree was formed out of existence. The beet of the tree, the fences of the parc, the seat, the teneous grass of the lawn, all this had disappeared. The diversity of things, their own character was only an illusion, a little varnish. The varnish was gone, what was left were monstrous, weak heaps, chaotic and nude. Of a terrifying, obscene nudity.
Jean Paul Sartre  *  The atrocity  (a free, simple translation by me)

Ahhh well it isn't all dark moods, don't worry. The good news is that everything is okay with my beloved ones and myself. So i keep this in mind, again and again, to chase away the dark moods, that holds me back from enjoying all good things around me.  I feel happy looking at my love and kids, the cats, the garden, my art. And i have made a beginning of a new drawing. A wonderful challenge, because the seize of this drawing is 130 x 145 cm!  As i said a real challenge. I wonder how long it will take before the white paper is filled with my world in a world in a world...... 

DRIVING CIRCLES AROUND ME* The beginning of a large painting: 130 x 145 cm

GET READY

    

So tell me what you think about the drawing so far. Take good care of your beloved ones. Take good care of nature. And of yourself ofcourse!
When the low moon begins to beam
every night i dream a little dream.......

Keep breathing, let's talk about it later

Still working on drawings and paintings for the series Malleus maleficarum.  I wanna place the drawings in black boxes, so that you have to peep inside the boxes to see the drawing. And i paint the silhouettes of the women on large canvasses. White silhouettes on a dark black and red background.

Keep breathing

This drawing is a try out. I've painted all day long on a canvas, working out this idea. One painting finished, and i am happy with it. The silhouette is even more plain white.  Soon i will be posting it.

Let's talk about it later

The silhouette of the try out is from the drawing above. But i have decided that this drawing will not be in the series Malleus maleficarum. Because of the colors (green and blue). The Malleus maleficarum women will only be in white, red and pink. I noticed that these colors emphasize their nudity and therefor there vulnerability.  And that's what i wanna express in these drwings.

read: The memory game * Nicci French

taste: sweet white wine  ~  smell: japanese water incense

hear: Blithe field * illuminating moments  ~  touch: the skin of my paint smutted hands

think: about painting  ~  feel: happy and a bit restless

Exposition PRIKKEL draad

The day before the opening there was an article in a big Dutch newspaper (De Volkskrant) An interview with the curator of the exposition. The proloque says:

On the exhibition Prikkeldraad we see the dark and uneasy side of sex. 'Glossynude' and 'SBS6-sex' have a drawback. (SBS 6 is a commercial TV station, they had softporn in the late hours of night, nowadays it's a rightminded commercial station but the slogan SBS6 sex is still be used) This is why curator and writer Claar Griffioen made this exhibition. This is her perspective.

The shady side of sex is also reality. No glossy dream sex, nothing manipulated, but the naked truth. Everybody know the drawback of sex, but most of the time we hide it away.

It was a great opening, the gallery looks great, a spatial gallery and as an old squatter i like the squat history of this gallery.  They do a lot for the neighborhood and also lots of activities for kids. The opening speech was held by professor  Henk Oosterling, philosopher. A speech with humour and eyeopeners. Great art, although there have to be more uneasyness for my personal flavour. Or maybe i don't feel uneasy easily about sex.  I am proud to be participant in this exhibition.  And who knows what new roads it will bring for me.  The world broadcasting services thought my drawings as one of their favourites. Yeay! And it was such fun to watch people looking at my drawings. I had to hold myself, feeling like a kiddie in a candystore. LOL A much much better experience than the artmarket i must say.  This feels good, tasting for more.

Oh yeah and not to forget: the music on this opening was awesome. Scherzo Mechanica: Peter Zegveld and Dolf Planteijdt.

Some impression photo's, not all good quality, but soon more..........

poster PRIKKELdraad

 

On the road, Rotterdam harbours.

  

Almost there, where all the people are.



Here they are, my babies.

Inbetween two masturbating men paintings.

What does he think of it?

Another spectator.

read:Prikkeldraad, about sexual sadness and uneasyness. Stories from different writers.
taste: salty peanuts 
hear: Suicide  with Dream baby dream and after that Bjork with Unravel, such a beautiful song.....

touch:the soft fur of my redhaired tomcat Willie 

think:about art and several themes/concepts for next drawings and paintings 

feel:happy and exhited for new possibilities.

Malleus maleficarum * Witch hammer

Yesterday i had the house for myself and i decided to start some new drawings. Which shouldn't been difficult in this quiet time. Nobody needing my attention, phone disconnected.... And we have a soft winter, almost like spring or autumn. It was raining outside, i love the rain, a warm cup of tea, my book and pencils.

I haven't draw or paint for awhile and if that takes too long i start feeling very restless. I wanted to draw on the drawing from the post  ´A new canvas´.  But looking at the drawing i didn´t like it. I felt my heart and soul isn´t in this drawing. Maybe i feel different about it in the future and finish this drawing, but for now i reject it. I took my book Dictionary of subjects and symbols in art by James Hall. Great book i think. I randomly opened it, to see what happens. The book opened at the pages about witches. About the book Malleus maleficarum. Written in 1486 by Jacob Sprengers. He wrote about the wicked influences of women. Weak of flesh, women tried to seduce good men to destroy them. Because of this book, because of this malicious Jacob Sprengers lots of strong, smart women were accused of being a witch and murdered. Ofcourse i had read about this book before, but reading this again gave me inpiration, new ideas and thoughts. Just the other day i also had read about women being ´slaughtered´ on the internet. On television we have a daily prominent talkshow in which guests (most men i must say) talk about the news, politics etc. Most women who were guests in this show are humiliated on the internet.  They were called names, threatened to be raped and even threatened to be killed. For sure men also experience this. But there is a difference. Women are not humiliated because of their opinions, but because of their sexe. All comments are about how they look like, about sexual humiliation (slut!) and sexual threads (rape). If women have strong opinions they have to be punished so it seems. Then there is this Italian woman, Lorella Zanardo, who started a protest against Italian television were women looks like bimbos with little clothes on and doing all kinds of humiliating acts. Check out her internet movie Il corpo delle donne. 
So strange how in former days women weren´t allowed to be sexual creatures, and nowadays it seems like women have to be sexual creatures in a vulgar way. But both it's about one common thing: women are not supposed to think and to talk about their opinions. I have nothing against sex or erotica, i have nothing against naked women. I even don´t have something against nastiness. But i do have something against short-sightedness, presenting women as brainless human beings and i do have something against violence against women.

Back to the beginning, feeling restless, wanting to draw. All this information bubbled in my head. I started to draw. I made 3 new drawings. This is a new series: Malleus maleficarum. For now i show you the first 2 drawings in this series. I hope you love them as much as i do. And more of it will come, because i have lots of ideas about it.

AN EMPTY SPACE

Mixed media on paper

STAINS ON MY SOUL

Mixed media on paper

SAFE

Hi there dear blogfriends. Im back on the www and that makes me happy. I missed you all a lot for sure and i soon will pay your blogs a visit. New paintings and drawings i wanna share with you and i am so very curious how you all are doing. I will pop up on your blogs leaving a comment pretty soon. 

This is what i wrote some hours ago. The comment of dear Caio, i just read, made me blush. Am i too distant? But i am not a writer or storyteller. I dont wanna bother you with too much blabla. And yes, i do have a lot to tell, but i find it difficult to write it down in a blog, mostly. And i have some periods that im as closed as an oyster.  But i can tell you ofcourse that i love my new home, it feels good and safe. A house with lots of light. Less room then we used to have but thats good for cleaning up. Getting rid of stuff we really dont need. And i dont miss it so i didnt need it for sure.  But our new home isnt as complete as it was. Our darling red cat Willie Wortel alias Willie Wartaal is missing. For almost three weeks now.  Ofcourse we searched the neighborhood, leaving flyers anywhere. But im still hopefull he will come home soon. I keep my fingers crossed.   

I also can tell you that i feel pessimistic about our world. As if we, the people, are getting more and more angry, intolerant, hateful.That we are destroying our world, myself included and that most people dont seem to care. That all what\s happening in the world is puzzling me, bothering my mind. That i find selfishness, indifference even in my near surroundings.That i dont wanna be fearful and afraid, but i am at times. That i dont wanna bring fear and confusion to my boys but tell them about love and respect for all people. No matter what they come from or believe in. That im happy with the internet for connecting with you, beautiful people, showing me that love and connection is indeed all what matters and that this excist. And didnt i tell you that i have missed you?

I can tell about the frogs and toads in my garden making me happy, that i love to listen to the birds singing. That being aware of the scent of nature > grass and plants after some rain, chasing all dark clouds away.

 And most of all that im happy that all i cant find the words for find a place in my dreams, drawings and paintings. 

PS i cant find the apostrophe on my computer keyboard, very frustrating LOL
Love u Caio

Heart-rending

Caught

Let's go to the beach.

I'm not so sure about this one, but still i wanna share it with you.

Still in love with pastels at the moment though....

HIDE

Hello there my loyal blogger friends. Hide is the title of this post because i've just finished a new painting 'Hide'. I am very pleased with it. Also because i have the feeling i'm getting the touch of painting more and more. The feeling i had lost a bit somewhere down the road. 

It also seemed i was hiding too from blogland and the www in general. Maybe i was a little bit, but our computer crashed several times and i couldn't come online or just for a few minutes and then the computer just stopped to start all over. Again and again. Very frustrating, lol.  I will visit you all soon!

Next to painting i also started a new drawing: All the lonely people. My camera doesn't work either so i made the photo's with my cellphone. I hope you can see thru the poor quality. :-s
I welcome all my new friends; hello there! I hope you enjoy my world.......

I HIDE YOU

Curious cat :-D

ALL THE LONELY PEOPLE

To feel it all

I haven't been on my computer the last few days, but for a good reason. Very busy with drawing, making collages etc.... That feels so good. Ánd I finally finished my drawing 'Requiem for an innocence lost'. YEAY!
I don't know if you still can remember it, so first i show you the beginning. Than lots of photo's from the finished drawing. Why so much? To show you all details and beauty. I love it so much! I hope you do enjoy it as much as i do.
I have made an internet portfolio. I wrote on the first page about a friend painter (Caio) who described my art as violently feminine. And that i like that. But don't wanna rub it in your face. I wanna seduce you to enter my world, wander around and to feel it.
To feel it all.

Requiem for an innocence lost
From the very first beginning till the end....
Ink, pencils, pastel and watercolor on paper.
68 x 50 cm

The next one is moved, so therefor a bit blurred, but i love it a lot this way.

This drawing is giving me so much creative energy and ideas.
I wish you all a good week with lots of creative energy as well.
Sweet greetz and kisses!

All that i have lost

Sometimes Most of the time i find it hard to explain the meaning of my drawings and paintings. The image develops while creating it. I don't make sketches etc. at first, i start drawing or painting and my thoughts and emotions of that moment lead my hand. Or so it seems. For paintings and the mixed media work i mostly have a topic in my head. Like the 'Blood on the floor' series. But i work very instinctively. Music and poetry are often triggers, i'm very inspired by it.
I felt sad and lonely on vacation and this is what appeared on paper, in the middle of the night, only the sound of the sea and the wind and me drawing.....

A taste of life

I hope you all had a wonderfull Easter, like i did. The second Easter day was great; i painted all day long!
I finally finished my Taste of life painting, based upon a drawing of mine that's very dear to me. (A little girl....) I started the painting but it was a big struggle, i couldn't finish it. It wasn't good enough for what i wanted to tell. So it stood there in my room, whispering for attention. But i resisted all those whispers and let it be.

Yesterday i started a new painting. The first steps, the base and i am pleased. Curious what will become of it. But then i had to stop, it was enough for that moment. I felt a bit frustrated for being stuck.

My eyes dwell through the room and there she was, the little girl so old. Silent. I looked at her, afraid to approach her. But she was calm and my restlessness resolved in the air. I took a deep breath and started to paint. And paint. Until this girl could tell all she wants to tell. That makes me so happy. Now she has finished her story and i fell in love with her. I am so content on how she grew. I hope you also like my little girl, so old in her shoes. I haven't a good camera so i have posted the painting twice. One inside the house and one outside in the sun but with shadows (i like the shadows btw) I hope you get a bit an idea of the colors etc. The tree is black with red scratches, the earth is also with lots of scratches so you can see many layers. It's a pity this isn't so clear on the picture. But here is my new painting

A taste of life.