Keep breathing, let's talk about it later

Still working on drawings and paintings for the series Malleus maleficarum.  I wanna place the drawings in black boxes, so that you have to peep inside the boxes to see the drawing. And i paint the silhouettes of the women on large canvasses. White silhouettes on a dark black and red background.

Keep breathing

This drawing is a try out. I've painted all day long on a canvas, working out this idea. One painting finished, and i am happy with it. The silhouette is even more plain white.  Soon i will be posting it.

Let's talk about it later

The silhouette of the try out is from the drawing above. But i have decided that this drawing will not be in the series Malleus maleficarum. Because of the colors (green and blue). The Malleus maleficarum women will only be in white, red and pink. I noticed that these colors emphasize their nudity and therefor there vulnerability.  And that's what i wanna express in these drwings.

read: The memory game * Nicci French

taste: sweet white wine  ~  smell: japanese water incense

hear: Blithe field * illuminating moments  ~  touch: the skin of my paint smutted hands

think: about painting  ~  feel: happy and a bit restless

Malleus maleficarum * Witch hammer

Yesterday i had the house for myself and i decided to start some new drawings. Which shouldn't been difficult in this quiet time. Nobody needing my attention, phone disconnected.... And we have a soft winter, almost like spring or autumn. It was raining outside, i love the rain, a warm cup of tea, my book and pencils.

I haven't draw or paint for awhile and if that takes too long i start feeling very restless. I wanted to draw on the drawing from the post  ´A new canvas´.  But looking at the drawing i didn´t like it. I felt my heart and soul isn´t in this drawing. Maybe i feel different about it in the future and finish this drawing, but for now i reject it. I took my book Dictionary of subjects and symbols in art by James Hall. Great book i think. I randomly opened it, to see what happens. The book opened at the pages about witches. About the book Malleus maleficarum. Written in 1486 by Jacob Sprengers. He wrote about the wicked influences of women. Weak of flesh, women tried to seduce good men to destroy them. Because of this book, because of this malicious Jacob Sprengers lots of strong, smart women were accused of being a witch and murdered. Ofcourse i had read about this book before, but reading this again gave me inpiration, new ideas and thoughts. Just the other day i also had read about women being ´slaughtered´ on the internet. On television we have a daily prominent talkshow in which guests (most men i must say) talk about the news, politics etc. Most women who were guests in this show are humiliated on the internet.  They were called names, threatened to be raped and even threatened to be killed. For sure men also experience this. But there is a difference. Women are not humiliated because of their opinions, but because of their sexe. All comments are about how they look like, about sexual humiliation (slut!) and sexual threads (rape). If women have strong opinions they have to be punished so it seems. Then there is this Italian woman, Lorella Zanardo, who started a protest against Italian television were women looks like bimbos with little clothes on and doing all kinds of humiliating acts. Check out her internet movie Il corpo delle donne. 
So strange how in former days women weren´t allowed to be sexual creatures, and nowadays it seems like women have to be sexual creatures in a vulgar way. But both it's about one common thing: women are not supposed to think and to talk about their opinions. I have nothing against sex or erotica, i have nothing against naked women. I even don´t have something against nastiness. But i do have something against short-sightedness, presenting women as brainless human beings and i do have something against violence against women.

Back to the beginning, feeling restless, wanting to draw. All this information bubbled in my head. I started to draw. I made 3 new drawings. This is a new series: Malleus maleficarum. For now i show you the first 2 drawings in this series. I hope you love them as much as i do. And more of it will come, because i have lots of ideas about it.

AN EMPTY SPACE

Mixed media on paper

STAINS ON MY SOUL

Mixed media on paper

I swear i didn't mean it

It didn't fit entirely on my scanner, so a tiny bit larger on the bottom. If you click on the picture you get a larger look. Like Caio i complain about the colors, in real the colors are more intense and brighter.
Ink and watercolors on paper  *  29 x 40 cm

The middle of the night

I am a nightowl. I love to draw and paint at night when the world is quiet and everyone else asleep. Where my thoughts and dreams can flow freely without interuption. Are you a nightowl or a morningstar?

SAFE

Hi there dear blogfriends. Im back on the www and that makes me happy. I missed you all a lot for sure and i soon will pay your blogs a visit. New paintings and drawings i wanna share with you and i am so very curious how you all are doing. I will pop up on your blogs leaving a comment pretty soon. 

This is what i wrote some hours ago. The comment of dear Caio, i just read, made me blush. Am i too distant? But i am not a writer or storyteller. I dont wanna bother you with too much blabla. And yes, i do have a lot to tell, but i find it difficult to write it down in a blog, mostly. And i have some periods that im as closed as an oyster.  But i can tell you ofcourse that i love my new home, it feels good and safe. A house with lots of light. Less room then we used to have but thats good for cleaning up. Getting rid of stuff we really dont need. And i dont miss it so i didnt need it for sure.  But our new home isnt as complete as it was. Our darling red cat Willie Wortel alias Willie Wartaal is missing. For almost three weeks now.  Ofcourse we searched the neighborhood, leaving flyers anywhere. But im still hopefull he will come home soon. I keep my fingers crossed.   

I also can tell you that i feel pessimistic about our world. As if we, the people, are getting more and more angry, intolerant, hateful.That we are destroying our world, myself included and that most people dont seem to care. That all what\s happening in the world is puzzling me, bothering my mind. That i find selfishness, indifference even in my near surroundings.That i dont wanna be fearful and afraid, but i am at times. That i dont wanna bring fear and confusion to my boys but tell them about love and respect for all people. No matter what they come from or believe in. That im happy with the internet for connecting with you, beautiful people, showing me that love and connection is indeed all what matters and that this excist. And didnt i tell you that i have missed you?

I can tell about the frogs and toads in my garden making me happy, that i love to listen to the birds singing. That being aware of the scent of nature > grass and plants after some rain, chasing all dark clouds away.

 And most of all that im happy that all i cant find the words for find a place in my dreams, drawings and paintings. 

PS i cant find the apostrophe on my computer keyboard, very frustrating LOL
Love u Caio

Shadows

At the moment i'm very busy, within 3 weeks i have to leave my house. When everything is settled i'll visit your wonderful blogs again and leave comments. Take care everybody and enjoy the weekend!

I wake your ghost

The gate

I never loved to work with pastel, but now i am drawing like a fool with it. It's exciting for finding new possibilities. And i so love the results.  Lately i am very busy as well with organizing stuff; => work, kids and school, kids and puberty and a move very soon. We have to leave our house before may 31. It's a little miracle i find some time for drawing and painting as well. Therefor i am (again or still) very silent on the www, leaving comments etc.. I hope you understand. Especially my special and loyal friends. I'm out of words at the moment, i'm not disinterested, i follow your activities etc.... but i have no words. I am a hermit by heart.  I will leave a mark ( ♥ ) to let you know i'm still here and caring. Deal?

Love to you all! Thanks for your support i really appreciate it a lot!!!

Fertility * I don't know what you see

Life turns me, i don't know what you see

Close up

The beginning of a new painting

For a long time now i had the idea to do something with fertility goddessess. My restlessness lately lead me to painting again. And i almost obsessively started to paint my fertility goddess with the strange grimas. The cycle of attract-distract begins. First i fell in love with her, then i didn't like her too much and now when i finished her today i think she's wonderful. But only in time i grow fond of my art and then i can let go.....
After finishing Life turns me... i had the urge to paint another one as well. So the last painting is the set up for a new fertility goddess as well. It's all about the circle of life: birth, blood, death and the beginning of new life.










The sources of my inspiration.....

Some confusion

An old drawing i edited. In this form you also can see it in my booklet.

Work in progress

I'm working on a new painting and it goes well. It's a fertility godess and this is the start up. I have to work on it ofcourse, the seizes are not totally correct, i have to change her legs, but i wanna try to let the orange, red lines around her head as it is, not too much details but the rough idea. Anyway i'm happy how it turns out till now and i'm curious how she'll end.



Dream about birthday cakes, 'cause tomorrow i am a birthdaygirl. :-D

Stout-hearted

An uneasy one?

I draw and paint to express my feelings. Sometimes also hard, difficult feelings from the past. Or things i notice, what's going on in the world. I do not create to make beautiful images. I create to tell a story. Sometimes the story is beautiful, sometimes harsh or both sweet and dark at the same time. Is that possible? I think so. There's also a form of beauty in dark stories. I can imagine that the images from my 'Is that blood on the floor?' series can cause un uneasy feeling. That's not my goal btw, but i'm aware of it. I will not explain what it's about, i think everybody can make his own story. But it's about women and these women are one way or another strong women, not victims.

Catherine est mort

When i was in France last year, drawing, listening to the French local radio, there was a man telling something about Catherine. Catherine est mort. The girl has died and he was telling her story. I didn't understand it all, but recognized some words. While listening to the voice of the man, i started to sketch and this is what came out..... Isn't it strange but beautiful to feel sorrow in your heart for a girl you never knew?

CHANGE

Chris Jarik Dekker

As my eldest son Chris (13 years) saw how i changed some old postcards in a Momo Luna drawing, he got inspired. And started to change an old postcard into his own art.
"Mom, will you upload this on your blog?" he asked me. Ofcourse i will, i am a proud mother. I think he is curious about what the reactions will be, but it worries him also a bit.
"Probably there will be no reactions mom, do you like it?"
Yeah i like it a lot, but i love all the stuff my kids create, like all mothers do right? But Chris is talented i think, he's not afraid of expressing himself in a drawing or painting, he has (some) insight, knows what he's doing...... He draws and paints since he was very little. I told him that i'm happy to post his card, but that i also wanna place a photo of him, and some old stuff he did and that i like a lot. He agreed. So that's why i write this little story about him.
When he was younger, Chris liked to do unusual things and then we had to photograph him. So here are some pictures of it:

Chris painted already when he was younger. The paintings you see from left to right are:
* FIRE* He painted this one when he was about 8 yeard old. The second one is called: Woman in windowpane. He was about 10 then. The last painting is untitled and he painted it some weeks ago. He glued some old cloth on the canvas and started to paint. :-)
Click on the images for a larger view.

And here is the card. I was surprised he picked an old card about a Marlene Dietrich movie: The devil is a woman. He changed it into his own art. He asked me to explain that he gave her the tail of a demon but the hat of a clown. He teared up the bottom a bit as if it had been burned by the flames.

Struggle (what's new? ;-))

Today i was very, very restless. And frustrated. My muse was roaring inside of me, she wants to be free. I have kept her too long in her cage, waiting. I tried different keys to open the cage, but i couldn't manage. Some keys were lost, others rusted or broken. In the beginning my muse was quiet, she understood and was hoping for better times. I played with her creating drawings and she was pleased with the pretty and sweet places where she could wander. If you take a good look you also can find the dark corners where she sometimes wanna hide and feel safe. But she still felt caged. And that made me sad, today i cried a view times, just like that, without a clear reason. My muse grabbed me by the hand, delegating the restlesness and tension. The tension grew and almost became unbearable. So i took a canvas and my brushes and started to paint. Very cautious in the beginning. But she was whispering, and the whispers became stronger, transformed in a clear voice: "Stop the crap, let go! Let go! Don't be a tart, i don't wanna be pretty and sweet. Not this time! I wanna be rough and alive." She was guiding me to happiness and i could let go, feeling more and more secure and i used bigger brushes to avoid unnessesary details. I couldn't stop painting and she broke loose, free at last. And i was in love again with her, feeling so happy. And now she's looking at me from the canvas, so strong, but i begin to doubt again. I think every painter know this progress. I still am in love but i see her flaws. At this point i have to take some distance and let her grow. But i'll complete her world this week, because i cannot walk away from her. Not any longer. It will be a struggle, but it's worth every tear and drop of blood.

The painting is not yet finished and the quality of the photograph lousy, the colours are deeper and more intense for real, but i couldn't wait to share this process with you. In a few days, when finished i will upload a good photograph.

TASTE

Nudes

These i made on artschool, also a long time ago. You had two or three minutes to draw the model before she changed her pose. That's such fun. So you learn to let it go and leave out the unnessecary things. It'll be great to do again because sometimes i think too much as i paint and that blocks me from what i want to tell.

Don't touch me, touch my soul

Is she suffering?

I was doubting a bit if i should upload this drawing. Because it's very specific i suppose. And on the other hand it's not thát specific (?) I believe that her private part is abstract. Cough. Sometimes Most of the time i am not aware of the fact that my art can evoke unquiet emotions. That it can weight anything on your mind. Perhaps i should change my blog in 18+ What do you think? Personally i do believe that it cannot harm children to see naked people on photographs or in art. If it's not pornographic. If my sons (10 & 13) see drawings like this, they giggle a bit and then go further with what they're doing. Not that interesting drawing. Besides i'm more shocked on what they see in videoclips, or the violent videogames you have for children. But they're children of their time i suppose.

Because i like this drawing i've decided to place it here. This is also my world. I hope i don't offend someone with this. I am very interested in your opinion. But respectful comments please.

It is impossible to achieve the aim without suffering..........